He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
