I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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