oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My feet surprised me
Randomize
