Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
two words: eviction party
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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