It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
