Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
