how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
