My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
How external is "for external use only"?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
