i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
