She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
