Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
