I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
