I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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