hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
