Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Randomize
