My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
