He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
