I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
