How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
