Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
