The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Dicks are not precious.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
