Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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