having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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