I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
