I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
