Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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