Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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