You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
