The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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