I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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