Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
