i always forget guys have bellybuttons
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
