i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
