i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
