Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
