Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I will pee on everything he values.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
