I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
