I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
