I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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