Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
