You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
