My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
