I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
