I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
