I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Please don't give away my fajitas
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