I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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