I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just found a bag of teeth...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
