Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Randomize
