Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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