I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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