If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
